I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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