Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
