I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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