i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
