There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
