found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
