I just threw up on my dentist
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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