she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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