I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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