took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
