I need to stop coming to work sober
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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