I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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