You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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