how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
