my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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