You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize