On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
