Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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