She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize