I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
