They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
