Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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