Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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