At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
