I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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