Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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