I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
