seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
