rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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