He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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