It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
