i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
