i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
