im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i drank out of a bidet.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize