I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
