I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
