you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
