i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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