i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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