He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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