Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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