the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize