My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
