he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
