Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Everclear isn't food dammit
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
