I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
