think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize