1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
