So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
