nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
