sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
