Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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