Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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