its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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