Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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