Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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