There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize