i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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