He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
