Please don't use social media to get back at me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
